Getting Honest Constructive Feedback

How open are you to hearing feedback from others? More importantly, how open to feedback do others perceive you to be? There may be times when you don’t really want to hear what a certain person thinks, but if you are consistently giving even an unintentional message that you are not open to suggestions or other feedback, then you may be costing yourself opportunities for professional advancement or personal connection with friends, family and co-workers.

• Say thank you. Remember that it can feel risky to offer criticism.  Before you do anything else, tell the other person you acknowledge that it is not easy to offer feedback and that you want their open honest communication.
• Assume that you’re hearing the truth. You may not have intended or seen your actions the same way some one else did, but don’t dismiss the reality of the other person’s experience. You can state that your intentions were different, but then it is important to also talk about what you can do to better align your intentions with how you are being perceived.
• Assume that those giving feedback want to help. People who just want to complain will rarely tell you directly. When your response assumes good intentions, it tends to draw people in and help them to be more constructive. It is likely that those offering criticism are open to improving their relationship and communication with you.
• Sleep on it. When someone offers criticism it is natural and healthy for us to evaluate it and debate its merit. Because this is natural, it is a good idea not to immediately defend yourself if someone points out a shortcoming. Think about it, look for the truth in it, think about the person offering the criticism – and then decide on the best way to acknowledge the useful aspects of the feedback. You may be able to do this in 20 minutes, or you might want to sleep on it.

It can be an exciting re-energizing time in one’s life when you find the ability to be open to feedback. You can also call the EAP any time you’d like an objective ear.

Couples in Conflict

Contrary to popular belief, it’s not how much you love each other that will best determine the future of your relationship, but how you handle conflicts and disagreements.

Couples that stay together disagree about just as many things as those who separate. And the disagreements are about the same things too: money, time, housework, sex, parenting, etc.

Researchers have found that having disagreement (even fighting) is not predictive of divorce. However, criticizing, stubbornness, withdrawal and arguing (with put-downs, accusations and rejection) are predictive of divorce.

Health Promotion Northwest EAP staff can recommend books (available on audio tape or paper versions), workshops and/or counselors. Brief work with the EAP can be very useful in helping you start to change negative patterns. If you are inspired to make a change, please follow up with developing a calendar of action steps and openly discuss your goals with your partner. Without a supporting routine of action steps, most people will continue to fall back to their old well practiced behaviors. Pursuing these action steps together is usually a good idea. 

5 Ways to Fight Fair

1. No Name Calling.

2. Try the five-second rule, to think about the consequences of what you are about to say and whether you’re likely to achieve your desired outcome or just “win” a hurtfulness contest.

3. Stick to the Immediate Issues. Don’t escalate by adding old stories unnecessarily. Handle the old stuff at another time.

4. Take a Time Out. If you’re getting heated up emotionally to the point where you say or do things that don’t help, then take a few minutes to calm down, relax and breathe – and let the other person take a T.O. if they ask for it.

5. Speak and Act in Love. If you’re confused about what to do or say next, think about who you are talking to and what they mean to you.

Health Notes is provided by Health Promotion Northwest, your employee assistance program. If you or a member of your family are experiencing personal challenges (for example: financial, marital, family, stress, depression, and/or chemical dependency), Health Promotion Northwest can help. We offer confidential counseling, evaluation and networking services as well as referrals to community resources. This service is provided through your employer at no cost to you. To contact us, call these numbers:
(360) 715-6565 or (800) 244-6142
or email Vince Foster.

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