"The Verbally Abusive Relationship"

The staff of Health Promotion Northwest EAP has been referring people to read a book by Patricia Evans, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship”. There are many excellent resources on this topic, but we like this book so much that we decided to profile it in our newsletter. If any of this rings bells, we recommend you read the book and call us.

From the book’s Introduction: “Verbal abuse is a kind of battering which doesn’t leave evidence comparable to the bruises of physical battering. It can be just as painful, and recovery can take much longer. The victim of abuse lives in a gradually more confusing realm. In public she is with one man, in private he may become another. Subtle diminishing or angry outbursts, cool indifference or one-upmanship, witty sarcasm or silent withholding, manipulative coercion or unreasonable demands are common occurrences. They are however, cloaked in a “what’s wrong with you, making a big thing out of nothing” attitude, and many many other forms of denial. Often, for the verbally abused woman, there is no other witness to her reality, and no one who can understand her experience. Friends and family may see the abuser as a really nice guy and, certainly, he sees himself as one.”

In a verbally abusive relationship there is: inequity, competition, manipulation, hostility, control, and negation – as opposed to a non-abusive relationship where there is: equity, partnership, mutuality, goodwill, intimacy, and validation.

“Many partners, who are constantly blamed and confused by verbal abuse, are surprised to realize that they have never said, nor would they think of saying, what is frequently said to them.” Does he/she say things that you would never say?

Verbal abuse “…is especially hurtful when it is denied. When the partner’s perception of the abuse is discounted and there is no validation of her reality, part of her hurt is her confusion.”

“When the partners of verbal abusers first begin to suspect that something is really wrong in their relationship, they usually describe some interaction with their mate to a counselor or confidante. They ask, “is that normal?” This first stage of recognition is the beginning of the partner’s change from doubting herself to doubting her mate.”

Upon reflection on her past verbally/psychologically abusive relationship, one woman said “Now it seems like everything is real. Before, it was like I was in the wrong world…”

What is Emotional Intelligence?

At Health Promotion Northwest EAP we see a lot of people who want help with co-worker conflict and/or communication with their significant other & children. Emotional Intelligence is one phrase that is used in describing the level of skill and experience a person successfully draws upon in these situations.

Have you heard this phrase Emotional Intelligence, or Emotional Intelligence Quotient (E.Q.)? For years it was primarily used in research circles. Then in 1995 Daniel Goleman, Ph.D. published “Emotional Intelligence; why it can matter more than IQ” and launched the popular use of the new phrase. Many people are now saying that E.Q. will quickly become as reliable (or more reliable) in predicting a person’s potential as I.Q. Dr. Goleman opens the forward to his book with a quote:

“Anyone can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not easy.” - Aristotle

Goleman praises a curriculum for public schools called “Self Science” and talks about the ABC’s of Emotional Intelligence as including the following skills:

• Choices: A person may not always be able to choose their emotions, but we can choose how we respond to them.

• Self-Awareness is “…recognizing feelings and building a vocabulary for them, and seeing the links between thoughts, feelings, and reactions; knowing if thoughts or feelings are ruling a decision; seeing the consequences of alternative choices; and applying these insights to decisions…”. “Self-awareness also takes the form of recognizing your strengths and weaknesses, and seeing yourself in a positive but realistic light (and so avoiding a common pitfall of the self-esteem movement).”

• Managing Emotion is about allowing yourself to be aware of the vulnerable emotions (like sadness, insecurity or fear) and learning ways to handle those feelings rather than just responding to the defensive emotions like anger.

• Behavior: The E.Q. application to behavior focuses on taking personal responsibility for decisions & actions, not blaming others for your own behavior, and following through on commitments.

• Empathy: “…understanding others’ feelings and taking their perspective, and respecting differences in how people feel about things.”

• Relationships: involve “…learning to be a good listener and question-asker; distinguishing between what someone says or does and your own reactions and judgements; being assertive rather than angry or passive; and learning the arts of cooperation, conflict resolution, and negotiating compromise.”

Health Notes is provided by Health Promotion Northwest, your employee assistance program. If you or a member of your family are experiencing personal challenges (for example: financial, marital, family, stress, depression, and/or chemical dependency), Health Promotion Northwest can help. We offer confidential counseling, evaluation and networking services as well as referrals to community resources. This service is provided through your employer at no cost to you. To contact us, call these numbers:
(360) 715-6565 or (800) 244-6142
or email Vince Foster.

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